She read loudly to Chris, who’d taken out his hearing aid in preparation for bed. Beside him on the carpet, his twin, Maelynn, holding The Velveteen Rabbit across her legs. A Furby stuffed animal in Chris’s lap, one tiny hand clutching an oversize ear. In a whisper of time I was back in this very room-the walls a dusky blue with brightly colored truck-and-airplane decals sticking to them. I slid the children’s book from the drawer, the tattered paper jacket catching on the sides. I stared at the unexpected item, its hard cover muted with soft shades of blue, green, and brown. The book slipped down, allowing the drawer to glide open. Shame tunneled through me as I faced my act of invasion, yet continued at my task. I caught a glimpse of my concentrated face in the reflection of Chris’s blank computer screen. Now committed, I wiggled my finger inside the drawer to free it of the problem-a slim book, from the feel of it. Gathering a breath, I pulled at the knob of the top drawer. It came open several inches before jamming against an object. I could fold one of the undershirts my husband, Mike, wore beneath his police uniform. I could pick a song to play for one of my callers at the radio station in ten seconds. The laminated wood finish peeled around the edges, revealing smooth, pale plywood beneath. Now, twenty-six years later and about to breach the slender link of trust that remained between me and my sixteen-year-old son, I lifted my hand to where the partially opened drawer of Chris’s desk called to me, beckoning. As if I had some autonomy outside my parents’ overbearing control. Something about seeing them-the thin white package with the brown strip, the gold seal still unbroken-made me feel powerful. I remember glimpsing the package beneath old training bras and lacy underwear I bought at Victoria’s Secret with my friends, feeling a sense of accomplishment over their very presence in my room. I never smoked them, just kept them there for over a year. When I was fourteen, I hid a pack of Virginia Slims in the top drawer of my dresser.
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